Oh, thank God…

Stop yelling at me for not posting yesterday

10) Thou shalt not begin thy order with the phrase, “I need.” Thou needeth not, thou wanteth.

9) Thou shalt not change thy mind after thine bagel is sliced and in the toaster. Thy server may tell thou it is ok to get something else, but thy server lie-eth to be polite. Thy server hates thou already. Unless thy server is thy kin.

8 ) Thou art not the only customer in the shop. If thy server is not looking at thou, thy server is not talking to thou.

7) Thou shalt wait thy turn. In greeting thou, thy server is not requesting thine order. Especially if thy server is already working on several other orders (see commandment 8 )

6) Thou shalt not have thy bagel toasted when it is still fresh from the oven. It’s already too hot to eat, and toasting it is just going to make it hard. Not delicious.

5) Thou shalt never answer the question, “How are you?” served with a smile, with the response, “I need three plain bagels, double toasted, with bacon egg and cheese.” It’s rude and it makes me want to fart on your egg.

4) Thou shalt not repeat thine entire order when thy server asks thou for clarification on one detail. Thy server is not deaf or stupid, she just couldn’t remember which bagels were double toasted and which were burned to ash.

3) Thou shalt not ask for an entire pot of coffee to be brewed just for thou fifteen minutes before closing.

2) Speaking of what not to do before closing, thou shalt not waltz in five minutes before closing and order soup and a sandwich unless thou intend to eat it at thine own desk or in thine car.

1) Thou shalt leave a tip.

I’m serious.